What If

I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about this week because I'm tired of being sad and my week tanked on Wednesday, but today was actually a pretty good day.

--OMHU--

My therapist could not meet this week due to illness. Which on the one hand was good because I lost my insurance card and I was freaking out about how to pay for it (and also going at all) and now I have time for the new one to get here before I go. And on the other hand means I spent most of my week being anxious about something that didn't actually happen, which is unbelievably draining.

So when Thursday night came and went, and procrastination brain reminded me that I had not yet written a blog this week I very nearly gave up my solid month combo bonus for Actually Doing The Thing, but then today rolled around.

In lieu of actual therapy I have been self medicating the best way I know how. Music. This is not news, as I have been dancing around actually showing things to people by just talking about it a bunch for a few weeks now. But last week I played some stuff for a theater friend just to see what they thought, and today I actually recorded a thing and sent it to some people because I was freaking proud of the music I created.

Guys. I was proud of something. That I had done. And happy. These things have happened in conjunction like, twice in the last 3 months. One of the reasons I've been writing as much as I have is because playing keeps the drowning feeling at bay at least for a while. And in some small way, it's actually working. 

And it just goes to show that I have amazing people in my life that despite all the errors I hear when I listen to that recording, the people I shared it with said amazing things about it. Like, truly important and positive feedback that made me feel like this may just be good enough to go somewhere if I stick with it.  And I can't possibly explain how much I need to stick with it right now.

I'm still not okay. Not completely. And a musical that may or may not ever see the light of day outside of my loved ones is in no way suddenly going to fix my brain or make it any easier to deal with the ever present, almost constant stream of anxiety that occasionally decides to run through my brain for months at a time.

But knowing that I have people in my life that care about and support me when things suck makes it so much easier to ride the current. And the more I reach out, the more you people grab on. And I'm just really glad that I've been given the opportunity to know so many really wonderful and compassionate humans.