Starting again

I'm late again. Mostly because this week has sucked and I'm getting super tired of writing about how hard things are.  I promise this blog will get happy and/or theological again soon. For the time being, I still feel like garbage, and it's getting kind of old.

---Obligatory Mental Health Update---

I have scheduled a therapy session! There is now paperwork to deal with, and I have slightly more than a week to figure out what disgruntled-doesn't-give-a-shit Nicki did with my new insurance card, but I haven't actually panicked about it again yet, so that feels positive.

Onto other panic inducing things.

As many of you know, because I word vomit when I am nervous about things, I am currently in the process of writing a musical. It started as a cathartic way to get feelings out by singing, and is now 5 mostly completed songs, 7ish more that still need lyrics or charting, and some scenes and characters that are developing a personality far faster than I thought they would.

I still get super nervous talking about it, because impostor syndrome is the most real, but writing it and getting my feelings out has actually been super helpful in maintaining some semblance of balance while I figure out all of my shit. 

The best part: I actually like the music I'm writing. I don't know if anyone else will, but for the time being it's nice to know that at the very least I'm proud of what I created. At least until the brain gremlins get real loud and take over my inner editor. 

I'm so proud of my music (and myself when I'm not feeling super shy about it for no reason) that I actually shared some of it this weekend. It was fun, despite the fact that I get super nervous playing for people and I forgot my computer so I had to play them from memory, and I actually enjoyed letting someone else hear them. 

There's one though, that I didn't play. It has an easy chord progression and the lyrics are pretty much seared into my brain, so it should have been easy. But it's not. 

As I said, this musical is mostly a way for me to deal with the fact that my brain chemistry spends a larger chunk of time than most people's making me question literally everything about my life. Which means I spend a lot of time writing a lot of angsty/depressing music. 

This is not a problem, I love angsty depressing musicals. Probably because they give me some framework with which to deal with all the things that I haven't dealt with. And if something I write can help other people deal with their stuff too, that much the better. But it also means that I am putting those feelings out there in the world. And some of them are very hard. And they feel very embarrassing. 

I know they shouldn't. I know that kind of stigma is bad, and if anyone came to me with the very same thing I would be nothing but supportive. And I know that I pick my people carefully and that none of them would think less of me or quit being my framily if I shared. And yet knowing and acting on that knowledge are so very different. 

Hopefully there will come a time when I'm not totally terrified to be that open with people. Hopefully there will be a day when I can talk about getting past all this and I won't feel like a failure for thinking about it.  It's just not this day. 

Which is all to say that even though this week has sucked. And even though I feel like trash 90% of the time these days, I do know how loved I am. And for the time being I'm clinging to that really fucking hard. 

So if you are framily (and you all know who you are) thank you for sticking this out with me, for giving space to talk or not talk, for encouraging me when the only victory I make in a day is remembering to feed myself, for checking in in whatever way you can, cause Lord knows none of us actually know how to deal with it. It's hard, and it sucks, and I definitely don't check in all the ways that I should, but I feel way less alone now than I have during previous bouts. 

And that is keeping me floating more than anything else.