The future has arrived

Ok, so besides just watching Meet the Robinsons, my life has been pretty hectic since my last blog post a mere 4 days ago (personal best!) Not because I've been slammed at work or I suddenly have an existent love life, no no, that would at least be unabstract enough to solve/legitimately worry about. No, my problems are all mental. Please take that as many ways as humanly possible, but try to keep it clean.

Apart from being inexplicably tired today (perhaps because the sun left on another treacherous journey behind the clouds?) I'm also surprisingly mopey for one who has the weekend to look forward to and adorable children to babysit. I spent most of the day being busy and productive, and now the end of the work week has come, I have karaoke and potentially several shows to enjoy this weekend, and I'm already exhausted. The bulk of this problem is due to raging hormones some total (insert explicative here) referred to as "teenage" and should be shot, because I'm 21 and still dealing with it. Meaning I should just ignore the nagging doubts I have about whether or not I want to keep working in Children's Ministry, a job I loved until today. Especially since I just found out that I may or may not have a job come August (aka the end of my internship) and so I may or may not need to look for work between now and then. Angst.

The problem with looking for somewhere else to work in seven months is that I'm not a planner. Sure I'll help organize an event or put together a project, but it needs to be happening, and it needs to be concrete, or I just can't wrap my mind around it. Over the last two days I have been asked three times where I'd like to go from here, and my over arcing answer every time is, I have absolutely no idea. I know God has a plan, and He's already way ahead of me in the figuring it out category, but that doesn't mean he's imparted that wisdom onto me, and it doesn't mean He's going to. I know where my strengths lie, and I know vaguely a few different things that I'd like to be doing, but very few of them involve a set location, which should be awesome cause it means I can go anywhere and be happy, but it scares the shit out of me.

So whenever people try to ask me where I'm going from here, my brain literally fogs over. I give some vague response of a half baked idea I had once about becoming a youth director or how I wanted to au pair in England after college but couldn't quite make it happen, or my personal favorite, "I don't really know exactly, but I do want to write, and I can do that pretty much anywhere." All lies. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going from here. And I'm really done trying to plan for it, because every time I do I either get shut down by the big man upstairs or the me in my head that tell me I suck at everything.

I figure I'll feel better about all of this tomorrow, and then I'll think this blog post is ridiculous. But for now, the future has arrived, and I'm not quite ready to join in the fun yet.