Could you, would you

One thing few people know about J M Barrie's masterpiece, is that the subtitle he originally selected for the play was not used. (Or maybe it's just that I found that out fairly recently and thus assume no one knows but me.) Barrie originally titled the play Peter Pan, or, The Boy Who Could Not Grow Up. His producer thought it would sound better as The Boy Who Would Not Grow Up, and thus the name was changed. One little word, but it makes such a big difference. To Barrie, Could Not was the truth of the matter. For those that have seen Finding Neverland (my favorite movie ever!) Peter was correct when he called James "the real Peter Pan", since Barrie wrote the play as much about his inability to deal with the traumatic death of his fourteen year old brother as he did about his summer with the Llewelyn Davies boys.

So, why am I telling you all about the origins of a play you probably don't actually care that much about?
1. Because it's my favorite play ever and 2. Because such a distinction is ridiculously relevant to my life right now. Throughout my younger years I was under the ridiculous impression that leaving college and turning 21 would make me an adult. It was something I was dreading, because it meant fun was over and boring day jobs and bills would ensue and possess my life. However that has turned out to be a completely incorrect assumption. I have neither paid bills, nor had a boring day job since exiting college, although I have had to work a lot since then. Neither have I discovered any ease in areas of the world or my personal life that were supposed to get easier as I became an adult. I still can't talk to members of the opposite sex I find attractive without sounding like an idiot, I still make randomly stupid mistakes at both my jobs, and I still find rejection the scariest thing known to man. Even more scary than standing up in front of a group of people, which is apparently the actual scariest thing known to man. Hold on, that's a lie, I actually find change the scariest thing ever, but that's another blog post unto itself.

So here's my question: Is it that I just don't want to grow up yet or do I even have the capacity for it? Or, to tie it back to my original point: could I, or would I? (Yes, I'm aware that the grammar of that sentence makes no sense at all) Is my problem that I'm clinging so much to the familiar that I can't let go of my childhood? Or can I just not physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally make that leap yet? Which raises a scarier question: Will I ever?