Yes, you get Fallout Boy lyrics. Shut up and appreciate them.
--OMHU--
Yeah...I'm not great. I was. I felt amazing. For almost two weeks I felt amazing. I was doing stuff again. Work didn't feel like it was trying to suck my brain out through my nose. I was actively participating in my life. The things my therapist had suggested were legitimately helping. Everything was fine. Everything was good.
And then this weekend happened.
I know I shouldn't make a big thing out of a couple of days of not feeling awesome. I know there could be any number of reasons I was utterly exhausted yesterday. The creeping feeling in my chest is probably just the start of a cold. And the anxiety that has gripped my stomach since yesterday is likely only creeping in because I'm psyching myself out about feeling not as great the last few days.
I know that there was bound to be some level of evening out after I started taking vitamin D and fish oil cause bodies are living things that balance themselves. I know that being sad and being depressed are not the same thing. And that being scared about going back to how I felt a month ago doesn't keep me from going back to it. In all likelihood it will just make it worse.
I also know that I'm spiraling. Again. And the intrusive thoughts are getting worse. Again. And I'm starting to duck out of commitments, and forget to do things, and feeling like crap at my job. Again.
This is not how this was supposed to work. It was supposed to just get better. I'm supposed to just get better. Writing one hard song, or having one generally positive interaction with my parents, or forgetting one appointment should not send me into places too dark to find my way out of. I'm in counseling to deal with all of this. And it wasn't gonna fix it immediately. But it was supposed to start fixing it.
It's a process. It's a process I'm at the very beginning of. But I've been doing this for so long. And I just wanted the Vitamin D to work. Because the Vitamin D not working means I have to stay like this, or figure out meds. And I so don't want to.
And it's not the meds themselves. It's figuring them out. It's the weeks of trying to decide if how I feel is meds or me. Of trying new ones when the old ones don't work. It's actually getting a doctor, because I don't have one, and trusting that they know what they're doing enough to even prescribe the right thing in the first place. It's having to talk about feelings and my life on repeat. It's knowing that there are going to be days at my job that make it really hard to tell if things are working or not. It's having to do my job while simultaneously trying to keep my brain from self destructing.
And even more than that it's acknowledging that I have very little control over any of this. The meds will work or they won't. I'll start to feel better or I won't. I have no say in how my brain reacts. I have no say in whether or not I need these things. I can't just fix it. I can't just stop being anxious about it. I feel stuck and trapped and I hate it. I hate this.
I hate that it's slow. I hate that it's no linear. I hate that there's no easy answer. I hate not being in control of myself, or my reactions. I hate not knowing if I'm just sad or starting to freak out again. I hate that I can't tell when it's going to happen or what's going to set it off. I hate that I post things like this way more often than the things I'd like to be posting. I hate feeling like a burden. I hate that I can't fix it.
I hate having depression. I hate having anxiety. I hate panic attacks. I hate not knowing why I feel like shit. I hate that bottling my feelings feels so much safer than sharing them. I hate that I can't trust people, even when they've never given me a reason not to.
I hate that this post is so negative. I hate feeling like I have to make other people feel better when I'm struggling. I hate that hating that feeling feels selfish.
You know what I don't hate? That you all are out there. That today one of my self-appointed church moms gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay and that she had me. Cause I'm not really sure I have myself right now. That I can open up about this stuff and know that there are people who will hold me up when I'm not super sure I can anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment