I'm starting off today with something a lot of you might not know about me. While I'm not superstitious, and only have a mildly severe fear of scary things in dark basements, I don't believe in coincidence. I find it completely ridiculous that the guy who holds the entire universe together didn't also set in motion the events of all our lives on a very specific track. I don't think that that means that every little thing that happens to us is a sign from God about the big stuff in our lives. And I don't think praying to win the lottery will help your chances. And I don't think God cares if you have pancakes or waffles for breakfast. But I do believe that there are key moments in our lives where very small things can be answers to very big questions.
Today I am faced with a very BIG question. A question that has been answering itself for the last several months, but I've been too terrified of the answer to even think it out loud. A question that was finally brought to me not by my terrified self, but my current adviser at Fuller, whom I met with to talk class schedule, credit load, and financial aid. As most of you do know, I am starting at Fuller Northwest (Fuller Theological Seminary's Seattle based campus) this Fall while maintaining my 40 hour a week internship at UPC, coleading a daisy/brownie girl scout troop, volunteering at least once a week as a youth leader at our youth group, and coleading a small group bible study.
Suffice it to say I'm gonna be a busy kid. So my plan was to only take one class at Fuller to see how I felt about it and if I was even up for doing the whole college thing again, my record not being as stellar in that area as it could have been. The only problem with only taking one class at a time being that classes are 4 credits, and I need at least 6 to be a part time student. Meaning that without those other two credits I am without both financial aid and the ability to put my loans in deferment. Meaning I'll still be paying off loans while attempting to afford 1400 dollars of school a quarter without the added benefit of more loans. Not that any of that matters anyway, because there's the potential that even with two classes a quarter (a total of eight credits, which would give me half time status) I won't be eligible for financial aid since I'm a certificate student rather than aiming for a degree. So basically my adviser is advising me to pray and think about changing from a certificate to a Masters in Theology with a double emphasis in Youth, family, and culture, and Theology and the arts.
So she asked if I had anymore questions and I left for some quality prayer time on my way to Safeway since I've been out of groceries for a week. And, in a true act of silliness that I haven't prescribed to in a number of years, I let the radio answer my big question.
The station that was playing when I got into the car was either something I didn't recognize or a commercial, and the next station up on my presets is the equivalent Seattle version of K-Love, so I thought, what the heck, and clicked up to the next station. The instrumental part of a song I know well was playing, and after a split second of thought I recognized it as Light up the Sky by The Afters. (You can watch their sweet but kind of tangential music video here)
More important for this particular anecdote than the actual words in the song, which are powerful in and of themselves, was the simple phrase, Light up the Sky.
The first thing I thought of when I heard the name of the song in my head, was another song. One I have unlisted as my anthem to the point where I spent way too much money supporting the band that plays it so I could have a sweatshirt with it's mantra stamped across the chest and back. Most of the song is inconsequntial for this post, but the words that spoke to me most apply in a big way.
Be strong in the Lord /Never give up hope/ You're gonna do great things/I already know
I have believed since the moment I heard them that those words were meant for me. Not in a cheesy only-for-me kind of way, but in a God-is-using-this-song-to-speak-to-your-future-so-pay-attention kind of way. This time, Light up the Sky spoke in the same way. I'm meant to do great things with my life. And to some extent, those great things have to start with something I'm not going to be as great at.
So, decision still withstanding since I haven't actually been accepted yet, I'm going to grad school. For real. Forever (up to the next ten years). I have no idea what this is going to do to my life other than give me more to attempt to procrastinate about, but long term it will be good for me. Several members of the clergy and layish clergy I have talked to about it have told me to get all the education I can, for many different reasons, and even though I'm terrified of this big next step, I find myself feeling surprisingly ready to start again. In true God's plan form, things are falling exactly where they need to for all of this to happen. And even though it potentially means debt up to my eyeballs, I'm not worried. God's always taken care of it, why should he stop now? I know that scares my parents to death (sorry guys) but I am actually growing up here, and for some reason, the future isn't quite as intimidating as it used to be. Still as foggy as ever and completely unknown, but somehow it seems a little brighter than it used to be. So I guess that whole lamp upon my feet thing wasn't just pretty words after all.
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