I Just Haven't Met You Yet

So there’s this guy. Yea, I know, there pretty much always is. Unfortunately. So much for telling Kristen she should figure out how to live without a boy. All I do is try to figure out how to get one. And I know I’m not supposed to find my sense of self respect and self worth in other people. And I know that the One True God loves me more deeply than any human could ever hope to. And I know that I’m never supposed to ask, but sometimes I can’t think of any other question: What’s wrong with me?

I get that according to God, most of the people around me, and most of the time myself, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am exactly the person God created me to be, and though I have quirks that can annoy, frustrate, or downright anger people all I am is human, and that’s exactly what I’m supposed to do.

Not everyone is going to appreciate my stubborn awkwardness or the fact that I like to dress in a fashion many would consider faux pas (and yes, I did have to look up how to spell that)  and talk about the tiny bit of the video game and anime worlds that I actually know something about. Very few people can deal with me when I’m actually angry, as somewhat seldom as that happens. I rant. I cry. I laugh too loud. I make dumb jokes or jokes that are mildly inappropriate far too often. I spent most of my high school and college careers caring WAY too much what “the cool kids” thought of the things I thought were cool. I tried way too hard to be an adult, when all God asks of us is to be children. I’m a broken, occasionally painfully shy but more often annoyingly loud, emotional baggage carrying child of God. And he loves me and cares for me deeply despite every beautiful flaw he gave me when he made me long before I was born. He knows me and my story better than any human alive ever will, and he still cares for me so much he let someone he cared for even more die so I could live. So why can’t I find someone down here to give me even a millionth of what God does?

Not that I don’t have people that care for me. I do. And I appreciate all of you for the gifts of love, forgiveness, acceptance, hope and a million other things that you all have given me in my brief time here. But I struggle to understand why I can’t have what I so long for. A real relationship with a guy. I have plenty of excuses as to why I haven't ever really had one. 

• I’m just not ready to be in a relationship yet. 
• God hasn’t finished preparing me for romance. 
• My baggage is too big for me to deal with, let alone another person. 
• I just haven’t met him yet. 
• He’s not ready. 
• I’m not pretty enough.
• I don’t try hard enough. 
• I don’t care enough.
• If I just looked harder...
• If I just stopped looking...

The list goes on and on. And I’m not even talking about my future, forever man. I don’t expect him to show up for some time, because I do think I have a lot to work on before I meet him. But couldn’t I have even one meaningful relationship before I get to meet him? Don’t I need a practice run? Isn’t being in relationship with others a big part about how we learn about ourselves? So why is this taking so long?

Sadly, this isn’t one of those quirky anecdotes that gives you some moralistic, uplifting mantras at the end about how God has it all under control and it’ll all work out. Not that I don’t believe that’s true, because I do. But that doesn’t mean I can’t wonder what he’s up to, and it doesn’t mean I can’t be peeved that things are going the way my tiny human intellect assumes they should be going (you know what assuming does) and really really want God to change them. Not that he’s going to, and not that I actually want him to. Somewhere deep deep down in my soul I know he’s got a handle on things. But for right now, I feel unsought, and to some degree unimportant because of it. Because most of the world, the Christian part included, looks at my so called pitiful single existence and tells me I’m doing something wrong. And some days it’s really hard not to believe them.