So it's been awhile.
Not as long as it could have been. I've had some random musings here and there. But nothing all that substantial. I've been a little gun shy about posting for a bit. But I think I'm finally starting to get back to my old self.
Personal update before I jump in. My second show with the children's theatre I work with just closed. I stage managed again and if I do say so myself, I rocked it.
I'm taking a year off from classes, transferring to Seattle U next year to complete their Masters in Teaching program which should couple well with the year of experience I'll be getting being a paraproffesional at an autism/typically developing integration school starting in September. I still feel called into ministry, and I still want to be a pastor, but my path has become somewhat cloudy, and I need a better way than theater to pay for school (go figure) so this seems like a logical step.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
Today I left my house en route to nowhere in particular for the first time in 6 months. I just wanted to go be somewhere that wasn't attached to my computer. So, after making a pit stop to drop off the paperwork for my new para job I wandered to U Village to get some starbucks, (I have a ton of gift cards from the wonderful parents of my Grease kiddos) and wander. And inevitably, even though I really shouldn't be spending money at the moment, I found my way to Fireworks.
I have an odd way of finding inspiration when surrounded by things I like or by being in places I find comforting. Disney Land/World has always been good for it, and so has Fireworks. Walking in today I just kind of knew that I was going to find something to clear the fog that is finally starting to lift on my life. And I did.
The attached picture is of the pendant I bought today. It goes on a bracelet I received from a good friend the day I finished my official internship at the church I used to work at. The pendant that came on the blue leather band reads: She took a leap of faith and grew her wings on the way down. And if you know me you know how true that statement is. The one I bought today is more of a reminder.
Most of you who know me, know that depression has been a part of my life since high school. Fewer of you know that it's the reason I almost didn't graduate from undergrad and fewer still know that I've been barely functioning for months. Barely may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I've definitely been on auto pilot. I hang out. I go to work. I did school till I could convince myself I didn't have to anymore. And all the while I ate, when I remembered, because I had to and slept because I had nothing better to do.
The hardest part was that I noticed how bad I was getting. I just didn't care. Caring was too hard. Getting better was too hard. I was barely afloat as it was, pitching water out of the boat just didn't seem worth it anymore. I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing. My school no longer matched my beliefs, my call was out floating in the aether somewhere and I was jumping from one theater project to the next with no direction, second job, or clue what I was doing other than quasi existing on a daily basis. And I didn't want to know. Didn't want to make decisions or care or take care of myself. My life was sinking so slowly no one was noticing and all I wanted to do was let it.
I'm in a better place now. Counseling and good friends and a pastor who cared enough to both notice and take the time to talk to me about it have seen me through the worst of it. I still have more shitty days than good ones, though that's evening out more and more. And I'm still wandering. Sure, I have at least a short term plan now, but my major direction is still a mystery. I know I'm called to help the church change, and I know I'm meant to be a big part of something. I just don't know what. And as daunting and scary of an idea as changing an institution as big as God's family is, I feel weirdly ready. It's not where I'm being led right now, not directly, but as I wear my new reminder i can proudly recognize that I may be a little listless at the moment, but I'm definitely not lost.
