Obligatory Mental Health Update: I've been on pretty consistent meds for about 4 years now? It's going pretty well, and the summer before I started my Master's of Social Work program I got diagnosed with ADHD, so I have new meds for that too. I can't take Adderall because anxiety/PTSD/weird metabolism things, and I also mostly quit drinking coffee/caffeinated pop after we found that out which has helped immensely with anxiety stuff. Overall I'm actually doing surprisingly well considering we're still dealing with an ongoing pandemic and I'm at major life turning point (getting done with school) which normally throws me into a pretty decent tailspin.
But onto the actual point of this post.
I'm nonbinary. This is not a fact I have necessarily shouted from the rooftops, but it is a fact. I started using a new name and pronouns in the fall of 2020 (Nyx they/them), and transitioned socially in basically all of the situations that matter to me. My immediate family knows, and the parts of my extended family that are likely to remember that information have it as well. Some of my older relatives aren't able to hold on to new information as well anymore, so I'm still weighing the options of telling them repeatedly vs not letting it be a big thing for the remaining time I have left with them.
I'm out at work, with my friends, and at church. I'm out in grad school and to my students. I make a point of teaching they/them as singular third person pronouns. I wear my pins when I remember them. And for the most part, everyone in my life either gets it, or is trying to, or is doing their best to love me even though I confuse them.
Overall, life is good. I've had steady (if somewhat harrowing) employment throughout the pandemic. I have amazing friends, family, and colleagues that are kind and generous people. I have a safe place to live, cats who are literally amazing, and fulfillment from the things that I do.
And yet I still have days like this. Days where I get home from a really great class, getting ready to hang out with some of my best friends, and I'm in a funk.
Cause I got misgendered.
All day.
Again.
For those who may need the definition: misgendering is when you refer to or label someone (intentionally or accidentally) with a gender they don't identify with. Example: when my older brother was younger and wore his hair long, people would occasionally mistake him for a girl when we were walking together.
When this would happen, the guilty party would inevitably recognize that my fairly beardy brother was not in fact femme facing, and would apologize embarrassedly for the mix up.
While it didn't happen super often, it happened enough that my brother would inevitably get pretty irked when it did. He always graciously waved it off. Little deal. Being mistaken for a girl isn't awful. Girls are pretty great, and long hair is a 'girl thing' after all.
I get referred to as a girl a lot. I am a very femme presenting individual. Femme (pronounced like the French) meaning things people typically associate with the 'feminine' which, in a heteronormative society, equates to that person being a 'girl'.
Some folks reading this may take issue with me putting girl in quotes, or even with the idea that I am not, in fact, a girl. I direct you to gender affirming resources.
The rest of you, I just really need to vent.
I hate being called a girl. Referred to as a girl. Assumed to be a girl.
Not because being a girl is bad, or there's anything wrong with people referred to that way (unless it's being used to infantalize) but because I'm. Not. A. Girl.
But I have pretty big boobs, a high voice, and an adorably feminine face, so the assumption most people make is that I am a female identifying person.
And it sucks.
Yes, I know that introducing entirely new understandings of gender into people's lives can be a big ask, and no, I'm not expecting people to be perfect while they're learning something new. But damn am I tired of correcting people only to hear silence, or frustration (usually at themselves), or excuses, or God forbid effusive apologies. Or not correcting people because it's easier to live with the disphoric shit my brain puts me through than to have yet another conversation about my pronouns and how bad someone feels that they just can't seem to remember them.
I don't have the mental energy for it. I don't have the time for it. And if I'm really honest, I'm running out of the heart to do it. When I spend more time being surprised and thankful that at least some of my coworkers remember to say 'they' than I do actually hearing my correct pronouns it becomes a zero sum game.
Do I have the energy to engage in that conversation today? Do I have the spoons to put my self out there, again, to see if maybe this time a person I only see at work will catch on? Do I have the needed relationship with a person to take the time to explain what being nonbinary is? If I give that time and energy to this person, am I going to have what I need later when something non-gender related comes up and triggers my anxiety or depression?
Do I wear my closet full of dresses that I lovingly picked because they're cute and I feel cute in them? Or do I attempt to hide my more feminine features in a sad facsimile of 'butch' attire? How long do I stew in the fact that if I'd been assigned male at birth I'd get to wear dresses and not have people assume my gender, only to remember that if I had grown up a boy I wouldn't have been allowed to wear pirate leggings and pleated skirts I bought in my delightfully emo youth?
I don't have an answer. Not to any of these questions. Not to the problems facing all the trans people, nonbinary or otherwise, who struggle with the feelings caused by misgendering on a daily basis.
Society isn't gonna change fast enough to stop me having days like these. Maybe for my students, or even my younger bonus!siblings, or my nephew. And I'm certainly gonna do everything I can to make that future a reality.
If you'd care to join me, here are some steps you can take:
1. Practice using they/them pronouns.
Is it going to sound weird at first? Maybe, but the more often you do it, the more normal it'll feel. And you'll have the bonus karma of not assuming other people's genders if you don't know them.
2. Correct other cis people.
Cis people are individuals who identify with their gender assigned at birth (some folks call this someone's 'sex' or 'birth gender' many people have thoughts on this). And while trans people can also misgender, it happens in a much greater percentage in cis individuals. If you are a cis person, and you know someone is using the wrong pronouns/honorifics to talk about or address someone, correct them. You don't have to make it a big deal out of it or embarrass either party in the situation. You also definitely shouldn't correct if the person isn't 'out' (don't correct people if the trans person hasn't told those people that he/she/they is trans). But other than that, correct away. If the trans person doesn't want you to, they'll tell you. But I can tell you it's a breath of fresh air when I don't have to be the one constantly reminding people of my identity.
3. Stop apologizing.
This one is also a bit contentious, since I've heard from folks that do want an apology every time, and folks that don't want apologies at all. I fall into the latter group for two reasons: 1) if you have to apologize to me more than once, you're actions are not reflecting your words. I get it's hard to learn new things, but don't apologize unless you plan on actually changing your behavior, and 2) apologies expect a response, and I don't have one for you. I don't want to talk about or dwell on the fact that you can't remember my new name. I want to move on. Also, I'm not correcting you to reprimand, but to reiterate information. You don't say sorry when someone helps you with a math concept or gives you directions, you say thank you, and then you fuckin' carry on.
4) Educate yourself.
This one goes for basically any group of people you don't identify with or want to learn more about. I promise you if you Google 'nonbinary people' you'll come up with more than one resource to help you learn. As much as I enjoy talking with people about issues that are important to me (and gender identity is pretty close to the top of that list) I'm not the end all be all of being nonbinary. I'm also not an encyclopedia. If you have a relationship with me and want to know more about my story, we can grab a non caffeinated beverage and I'll tell you all about it. If you want to know the theories behind gender identity and how people come to the conclusions they come to, read a book.
5) Learn to identify transphobia.
Like all of it's 'ism' cousins, transphobia is insidious, poisonous, and absolutely everywhere. From sitcom jokes about women being the man in a relationship, to Mrs. Doubtfire's hijinks, to the surprise or alarm some folks still seem to express when people who are assigned male at birth express any kind of feminine attitudes or traits, we literally perpetuate transphobia on a daily basis. Take time to question humor when it refers to someone's gender or gender identity. Keep an eye out for off hand comments that assume norms when it comes to dress or mannerisms.
There's about a million more ways you can help, but it's friend time and I have to go make bread.
Love you all!
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