Ending the silence

According to my post dates it has been 2 years, almost to the day,  since my last post. There have been many reasons for that, time, general laziness to write, forgetting the internet was a thing. But my meditation these last few weeks, and particularly my time as an observer at General Conference, have led me to break the silence.

For those of you not in the United Methodist know, General Conference is a meeting of members of the global UM church body, both laity and clergy, for the purpose of hearing and voting on petitions to change the book of dicipline. In non-church speak: United Methodist members and pastors from across the globe meet to change our rule book.

To give a bit of context, because it will be important later, the United Methodist Church is worldwide, which means we have members and leadership in Europe, Africa, the Philippines, Asia, and just about everywhere in between. It also means that changing church doctrine is a long, arduous, and not always loving process. Not to mention that getting any body of people from that many contexts to agree on controversial issues is basically impossible.

You also need to know that in 1976 the church body voted in language to our book of discipline that states that 'the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching'. Which means that while I am woefully underpracticed, my church family holds, and continues to affirm, the belief that I am incompatible with something I have believed and professed my entire life.

Oh, you should probably also know that I'm bi.

It feels weird to type it, because in the almost four years since I finally started living authentically I don't think I ever have. I don't really even say it that often anymore. I did for a time, as I slowly let my friends, siblings, local church community, and (a week ago) my parents know who I really am. Amazingly, not one of those groups of people has been anything but loving. But then, I'm from a fairly liberal part of the country, or at least I live in one now, and the people I choose to surround myself with generally believe in loving people despite of and because of our differences.

And I think that alone is why watching the  General Conference committee process go down the way it did hurts so much.

I come from a tradition within the UMC that believes that we are first called to love and at no point called to judge. Do my parents understand in anyway why or how I am the way I am? Nope. Do they agree with it? No, but I think we can make some progress in that area. Because regardless of their views on my orientation, I am first and foremost their daughter whom they love, which was made very clear to me last week. I'm sure we will have conversations, and I'm sure they'll be hard, but the fear that kept me from sharing my full self with them for 4 years no longer weighs on me.

So I went to Conference knowing that even when people disagree there can be love. Now I'm not so sure.

Because in the midst of beautiful and authentic worship, young people sharing the amazing work they are doing around the world because of their connection to the church, and bishops who called for the church to fully accept all people and not exclude a single group because they can't understand us, every single petition to remove or change hurtful language from our book of discipline was voted down. And I am hurt and frankly disheartened that in a time where my state, my nation, and the Pope have declared my rights as a person valid and beautiful, my own denomination that raised me to see good in all people can't seem to do the same.

I've gone back and forth about posting this. Because I'm honestly not sure how well being out outside of Seattle and my family is going to go.  Because if the wrong people read this it could hinder my ordination process. Because my heart still hurts from words that weren't directed at me, just people like me. But then I think of all my LGBTQI family and allies that I stood along side in protest of being silenced during the conference, and I think 'How can I not?'

So here it is. I'm queer. I'm proud. I'm beloved by God.  And I'm willing to educate those that are willing to listen more than they talk.

In my post from 2 years ago I talked about being listless, but not lost. Well I'm not listless anymore. I have always known that my call was to call the church into action and positive change, and I have never been more clear on what that change is than I am now. And I declare with a faith that can move mountains, and is going to have to, that we will be a denomination that lifts up all people as holy and conpatiable with Christian teachings, if my generation and our queer family and allies of all ages, nations, and creeds have to drag the rest of you kicking and screaming. 

And with God as my witness I will live out my call to be an ordained United Methodist minister because Love wins, and God's will, and not anyone else's, prevails.