But I'm not. And I haven't been. For days. Literally it has been days, actually, weeks, it's been weeks since I should have had this paper done. And there it sits, all almost 800 words of it, wishing almost as hard as I am that I would just put it out of it's misery.
And instead, I'm writing this.
Because I'm about to cry for the 3rd time today. Scratch that, am crying for the second time today.
Because I can't finish a fucking grad school paper. Because it feels like I can't finish anything.
The hard thing about depression is that it's a sneaky bitch. You think you're fine. You think everything's great. Sure you've been a little bummed for the last few days, or weeks, but it's just stress. You'll finish all the stuff you need to finish and carry on. You don't need coping mechanisms, cause it's not that bad. Everything's fine. You're fine. You'll be fine.
And then you're not.
I'm about to fail my winter quarter for the second year in a row because I can't get my shit together long enough to exegete 1500 words about Ezekiel. And do you want to know the real reason why? Because as much as I wanted to do well in this class, to get my reading done, to do all the assignments by the deadlines, to show the one professor I really connected with at my seminary that her teaching meant something more to me than a benchmark I need to be a pastor, I couldn't.
Because no matter how desperately I want to show how well I can do things, apathy keeps winning.
I read a post on tumblr today that said the worst thing about about having both depression and anxiety is that you're in a constant state of not caring, and not being willing to fail. Welcome to my life. I've gotten to the point where celebrating the tiny things is the only thing keeping me a float. I changed my headlight last week. And I celebrated not that I figured out how, because I know my way around cars, but that I thought, 'hey, I still need to change my headlight' and then actually did it. Hell, I changed my oil last week. Which means I'm 2 for 3 on car maintenance and 0 for 1 on getting my fucking homework done.
And really, I should go running, or do something that doesn't involve sitting in my room and wallowing in the abyss that is my typical depression metaphor, but I can't. My paper's not done. And the less I feel like I deserve a long enough break to take care of myself in any kind of real way the less I get done and the crappier I feel about the whole process.
This is not my typical anxiety driven depression, which is the most concerning part. Normally by the time I've gotten this ingrained in the spiral I've managed to realize that the voices are being rude and have taken steps beyond 'tune them out' to get to a better place. But I'm to the point now where I just don't care. I don't care that I have no idea what my call is supposed to look like. I don't really care that I have less than 24 hours to turn this paper in before I fail a class I actually enjoyed taking. I don't want an incomplete. I don't want to finish my application for the school I'm trying to transfer to. I want to care. I want to want those things. But I don't. I want sit here and watch ridiculous TV on my computer and wait for everything important to be done so I can quit worrying about it.
So I guess somewhere deep down I do care, just not enough to do anything about it. I want to want to do something about it. But making myself seems next to impossible. So I do things with friends and go to work and have the conversations I'm supposed to have everyday because at least for a couple hours I don't have to think about the thousands of things I haven't done, or did wrong, or will do wrong.
I'm not in an abyss. I'm in a glass box. I can see everyone, and interact to a degree, but I can't get out. And while the upside is that nothing else can get in, it's getting a little lonely.
Hugs... Because just being you is tough enough, just the fact that you can see all this should be celebrated, and everything will work out. It doesn't feel or look like it but it will. Sometimes no caring eventually leads to what you need. Yes you should be doing something... But you will when it is right. For now talking or spending time with friends and going to work may be enough. Just continue to tread water, remember that doing the same thing expecting different results is insanity, and know that life will work its way out. You are tougher than you think....... Hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks random anon who I assume is a friend not currently logged into google. Sometimes I forget that good enough is perfectly good place to be. The reminder is much appreciated.
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