Scratching the Wall

I contacted a counselor today.

It probably shouldn't be a big deal. Most people have someone they go to on at least a semi regular basis just to have someone to talk to and some outside perspective on life. And besides, with the depression on one hand and huge theological upheaval via school, it's probably the best move I can make at this juncture in my life.

And yet as soon as I hit the send button on his website I felt like I'd sealed my fate. And then the tears.

It happens every time someone brings up therapy. I think a tiny piece of me feels a little bit defeated.  Like if I was actually the strong woman I claim to be I could fix me on my own. I fix everything else in my life on my own, or with help from friends. Why should my brain be any different? I know how wrong that thinking is. And I know who I am and how I feel will benefit greatly from whatever it is I'm signing up for. But that doesn't make that tiny voice go away.

But even more than that, I think I'm just terrified of what this means for all the crappy stuff I've been holding back practically my whole life. Believe it or not, I've been through some shit. Haven't we all? And I've not done nearly as good a job at taking care of myself as I should have. And it's those things about myself that I want so desperately to change, and at the same time, I'm not sure what else I'll have to give up to do it.

There's a story arch in Supernatural (which is on Netflix and I highly recommend you watch, especially seasons 4 and 5) where Sam has spent a year in a cage with Lucifer and Michael (told you you should watch it) sans his body, which was removed earlier. Here's the thing, Sam is still a living, functioning albeit empathy-less person without his soul, which has been so damaged by it's time spent with warring angels that in order to put it back in his body, Death has to build a wall to hold back all the trauma so it doesn't just overwhelm his mind. The last thing Death says to him? 'Don't scratch the wall.'

Which of course he does over the course of the season. 1. Because it's the only way to get at the memories his mind made while his soul was trapped and 2. Because there's nothing worse for something you're not supposed to touch than for someone to tell you not to touch it.  The outpouring of hurt and crazy leaves him incapacitated at a crucial moment. He then proceeds to hallucinate Lucifer, and at one point believes himself to still be trapped. That his reality is all just a dream and that being home with his family is just one more form of torture cooked up by none other than Satan himself.

While I don't think anything that dramatic is going to happen if I start trying to deal with trauma, there is some truth to the idea that scratching the wall will break it, and the contents behind gets loose. You can't fix it. Can't patch it. The wall has to stay broken. Building a new one won't help because whatever it was holding back is already out in the world.

And maybe that's where it should be. Maybe breaking the wall isn't that bad a thing. Especially if what it's holding in is bad for you. Especially if letting whatever it is out is the best thing you could do for yourself.

In Sam's case, the crazy almost killed him, but then the angel Castiel took the burden on himself to save Sam's life (and Dean a broken heart, which is entirely beside the point unless you watch the show, which you should do.) And maybe that's what makes it okay. I'm not breaking the wall down on my own. There will be someone else there to help clear the gunk and find out what's really underneath. To pick me up when I slip in it, and help me find the beauty that's hiding under the pain.

And that sounds pretty okay.